The Writer Bee

So my friend, Becka (who is most likely reading this) and her husband Len and all four (yes, I said FOUR) kids have just moved into a new home down in Virgina where they’ve been living for…well, I guess it’s been about a year now. Beck sent out this email to update everyone and something she said in it struck me funny.

She made the comment that the kids wanted to know if they were going to move again and she said that basically she and Len are “too old and worn out to do this anymore”. Not entirely sure what to make of that since Beck is actually younger than I am! And then I seem to have a habit of moving no less than every 2-3 years… I can’t imagine staying in one house for much longer than that - I start to get antsy and restless and can’t sit still if things aren’t changing relatively frequently. In essence, I get bored.

This made me think more about the fact that I’m coming up on 1.5 years in my current home…and I know I’ll hit the 2 year mark before I know it. And then what? I mean, I’m certainly not going to be moving that soon. I think I can probably last another year after that, but then that may be about all I can take. I honestly have a major love/hate thing going on. Love the job, hate the location. But what can be done?

House is cute. I’m enjoying owning one (even though it’s way more expensive than I initially anticipated). I’m enjoying fixing it up which actually helps keep me interested more so than a rental would. Being able to change a wall color, add a light fixture, or update an appliance actually helps make me feel like at least something is changing on a semi-regular basis - if that makes any sense. Otherwise, I would probably be bored of the place already.

I think more than anything else, I hate feeling trapped. I hate feeling like I’m stuck in a place which is how I feel right now. In theory, I could quit my job and move to some other place I actually want to be in, but with the no-degree cloud that follows me around, I’m highly skeptical that I could find another job that would pay me as well as I’m getting paid here.

So there’s a trade-off. Maybe I’m not living in the area I ultimately want to be living in, but I am getting paid really well which enables me to own my home, have a puppy, and take really awesome vacations… And those are just the monetary perks to say nothing of the flexibility, the total coolness of the people I work with, and other intangible warm-and-fuzzies.

I know that the Lord can do anything and if He wanted to, He could find me a job somewhere else with all of these things as well, but why would He when He just did all this under 2 years ago? I do feel like there must be a reason He has me here… He so clearly wanted me to have this job that He came just short of writing it on the wall. I’m trying to be patient and wait and see what it is that He is doing with me here, or what He’s going to do…but He also knows that this time of waiting and silence is torturous for me - which is probably why He says, “Be still and know that I am God.” I should have that verse tattooed somewhere because being still is NOT something that comes easily for me. 10 years ago I would have thought I’d outgrow my restless nature…that maybe it was something that would just plague me in my youth. But apparently it’s here to stay.

Maybe it’s also a reason why I haven’t gotten married yet… Not that I wouldn’t have gotten married if the right guy had come along, but maybe I need to internally settle down before I could really be happy in a marriage..? I don’t know - I’m just spitballing here, but it’s possible. I mean, can you imagine how insanely unhappy I would be today if I had married some guy who had planted himself somewhere in New Jersey and could never envision leaving? Or what if I had married Mike (heaven forbid!) and had ended up stuck in Jacksonville, FL for the past 15 years?? Can you imagine?! Oh my word. You might as well have shot me on my wedding day.

What I’m really trying to say here is that - married or not, I’m ultimately very happy with my life. I know I don’t say that very often to anyone, but I think it a lot. I know I’m lonely at times and I really do hope I don’t have to grow old by myself and end up relying on my sister’s children to care for me in my old age because there’s no one else who would, but when all is said and done I wouldn’t want to give up any of what I’ve had or what is still to come… I mean think of it…I got to live (and fall in love with) Alaska, England, and New York City. I’ve gotten to sail through Greece, Thailand, and Burma. I’ve gotten to visit the Amazon Rainforest and hike the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. I’m about to go on a cruise through southeastern Alaska and hike in the mountains of Montana. And then let’s not forget that after a decade of dreaming, I’m actually going to Antarctica!

Seriously. Wow. And I’m only 33…what will that list be like in another 10 years? If it wasn’t my life, I’d be jealous - and I consider that to be a gift.

So the moral of the story? I’m not in my dream house or living in the place of my dreams, but I get to visit the places I dream about which is no small thing. For now, I think I just need to learn how to accentuate the positive and be patient while waiting for all the other pieces to fall into place because God promises they will - one way or another.

In the meantime, please pray for me to learn better patience and how to be still while I have to call this place home.