“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?”

That phrase really epitomizes the awkward things we sometimes blurt out after an event where we don’t really know what to say.  When faced with situations like that, chances are the reason we don’t know what to say is because there isn’t anything we CAN say.

In the midst of the horrific tragedy this week that has affected so many people I love, I certainly don’t know what to say.  I don’t know what to do or how to feel either.  I’ve been trying to sort it out in my head, but being verbal processor, when I don’t know what else to do, I write.  So here I am.

Most of you guys reading this probably know about the climbers that were lost on Mount Hood last weekend – Luke Gullberg, Anthony Vietti, and Katie Nolan.  I didn’t personally know any of them, but Katie Nolan had been a member of my church when she lived here in Philly.  Understand that when I say “member” I don’t just mean someone who shows up on Sundays. Katie was deeply involved and richly connected with a lot of the people that I now am privileged to also call my friends.  I have heard nothing but the most heart-felt accolades from everyone I know who had come into contact with her.  The picture I have gotten is one of her as a beautiful, amazing, and dynamic individual.  She clearly loved Jesus, people, and life in general.  Katie was very special.

Right now, I’m struggling to figure out exactly where I fit into the landscape on this one.  After all, I didn’t know Katie.  She wasn’t a part of my life. I didn’t experience her.  And because of that, I feel almost as though I don’t have a right to be as upset as I am.  As if there’s only so much grief to go around and I’m somehow robbing someone of theirs who is more deserving of that emotion.  Of course when I say it like that, it sounds ridiculous, but it’s still how I feel.  But not only is this just one of the most terrible tragedies, the fact that it’s such a public tragedy puts a completely surreal layer on it.  There aren’t words to describe just how weird it is to have something like this actually hit so close.

So why do I feel so profoundly sad?  How can I so easily be brought to tears over this?  I’ve been thinking about it some and I believe the answer is complicated (go figure) but I’ll do my best try and put it into words…I need to.

First and most obviously, my heart breaks for my friends – Katie’s friends – who knew her and know the true extent of what was lost when she disappeared on that mountain.  I hurt so deeply for them, so much so that it’s as if my soul aches.

I also feel a very personal sense of loss at being cheated out of an opportunity to know Katie.  One of Katie’s closest friends here had told me about her on more than one occasion under the heading of “I think you guys would really hit it off.”  Since the tragedy, others have said the same.  From everything I’ve seen, heard, and read about Katie, I would have to agree.  We certainly seem to have had a lot in common, and her adventurous spirit naturally resonated with me.  I want to have known her, but now I won’t get the chance.  And I definitely feel like I’m the one who lost out.

I feel the most heartsick for one of my friends who was particularly close to Katie.  If I were to lose either of my best friends in such a way as this, I don’t know what I would do.  I would probably shutdown.  I might even disintegrate completely.  At the very least, I wouldn’t be able to properly function for awhile…a LONG while.  Thinking about her, I can’t even wrap my head around how she must feel…  What do you do with that?  How do you respond in the awkward space filled with shock and grief?  Probably best to not rely on Hallmark cards to lead the charge. I hate clichés which mean little when things are going well, let alone when a piece of your world has been ripped away.  And I wouldn’t dare try to speculate on what God’s plan might be in all this because…well…I’m not God.  So I sit and pray and think and cry because it’s all I really can do.

And so that’s it for now.  I can’t really think of anything else to say, so before I blurt out something stupid, I’ll just end with this:

We live in a broken, messed-up world and sometimes the things that happen in it really suck.  But at the end of the day, God is still exactly who He says He is, and He will do exactly what He says He will do.  So we can rest knowing that He is at work and one day “He will wipe every tear from [our] eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain…” (Revelation 21:4).

Right now we are in the midst of the season of Advent.  The season of waiting that leads up to the initial entrance of Jesus into the world.  Emmanuel.  God With Us.  Our Living Hope.  He came the first time to save us.  And we can live in hope and ultimate peace knowing that He will come again to completely redeem us and this screwed up world of ours.

You can hang your hat on that – Katie, Luke, and Anthony did.