I was just watching “The Lake House” and was trying to figure out what it is about that movie that appeals to me so much (aside from the whole chick flick boy-meets-girl romantic aspect of it). I came to the conclusion that it’s the magic. I want so much for crazy, magical things like that to actually happen… For something rare and special to be possible. So much of the time I feel like I watch and listen to everyone else’s stories…how perfect their romances are…how beautifully orchestrated their lives have been, only to feel like my life lacks that same magic.
I’ve had some…awhile ago. In my 20′s I feel like I had a far more mysterious and magical life. I saw possibilities and ran after them. Now I’ve become an “adult” and my existence has turned into something very plain and ordinary. Predictable even. My friends and family have, for the most part, all moved on and opened new chapters of their lives and left me behind. You’ve all found spouses and had children while I’ve done little but stand still and wave as you’ve all paraded past.
I’m not trying to sound bleak or pathetic, I’m just wondering where my adventure has gone.
Life, love, the promise of something new… These things seem out of reach right now. I’m 36 and feel like I’m in a holding pattern of sorts – unable to land, but unable to fly to somewhere else too.
There are certainly good things about my current state, I suppose. I love my house and Chena. I have a good job. I have a lot to be thankful for…but my drivers – the things that always propelled me forward in the past – have seemingly fallen out of reach.
That adventurous me still lives, although it pretty much lies dormant these days. Every so often I feel it rise up in my head and say things like, “So change something! Quit your job…move…find that spirit you once had again!” Then the sensible adult says, “Easy tiger… Wait. Have patience.” But for how long? How long do I have to wait? How long am I going to be able to keep myself content in suburbia? How long will I be able to last on life support?
I hesitate to even share these thoughts… Most people wouldn’t understand – or they would think I was whining. I’m not, I swear. It’s just that sometimes these things weigh more heavily on me than others.
So I guess what I’m really wondering is why am I here? What is God’s plan? What does He want from me and for me? Why am I always on the losing end of love? Why do I think I’m never going to have children? What is the point of it all anyway? Am I doing something wrong? Did I miss the boat in some way?
I know there are no answers and I’m not really expecting any. I just needed to vent, so thanks for listening.