First, let me just say that I am not a mountaineer, but I think that this is less due to a lack of will and more a result of my environment growing up. When you’re raised on the East Coast, there aren’t really a whole lot of mountains around to climb… Hills to hike maybe, but not true mountains. However, for years I have been fascinated by climbing. If there’s a book written about it, I’ve probably read it. If there’s been a movie, documentary, or TV show made, I’ve probably seen it. Even the completely unrealistic, cheesy fictional ones. I also enjoy pushing myself to see what I’m capable of. For example, I refused to take any seasickness medication before going out on my first big sailing trip because I wanted to see if I would actually need it. Turns out I didn’t. I did the same thing when I went to Peru to hike the Inca trail. I didn’t take anything to help with altitude sickness because I wanted to see how well my body would adjust on its own. Turned out it adjusted pretty well, although I did have some issues the one night when we stayed above 14,000 feet. I want to run a marathon this year for this reason. In the same way, the challenge of mountaineering is extremely attractive to me. Pair that with my adventurous spirit, throw in my love affair with mountains and the outdoors, an interest in climbing seems like a natural byproduct.

As many of you know, I was born in Bend, Oregon and I have come to believe that this somehow encoded a love of mountains into my DNA. I adore them (they’re not part of the illustration on my blog by accident!) and can’t underscore enough how much I look forward to living back among them again. But since my parents moved me to the Philly area when I was a mere 6-months-old, my affection for mountains lay dormant until the first time I saw some in person.

I was 20 and was headed to Seattle to attend the Christian Writer’s Conference at Seattle Pacific University. I had first flown to San Francisco and spent a few days with my family there before flying from San Jose up to SEA. I had a window seat and was looking out at the clouds when suddenly noticed a particularly large object jutting up through them. It look me awhile to realize I was staring at Mount Hood. I was so overwhelmed with its beauty that my eyes immediately welled-up with tears. Pictures and movies hadn’t even come close to preparing me for the actual majesty of an in-person mountain.

Alaska was where I became truly addicted to them, though. There is nothing like being up in a small plane and looking out to see nothing but miles upon miles upon miles of a rippled mountain landscape coated in snow. There is something so awe-inspiring and quieting about them that words alone fall short in conveying. In Alaska, you also have the added bonus of being literally surrounded… Some volcanic (like Augustine and Redoubt), but more just the ranges of them that run down to the sea. One of my favorite places to go when I needed to get away for a minute without going far was up to Flattop. Flattop, so named for its flat top, is a mountain just on the edge of Anchorage and part of the Chugach Range. It’s a great hiking mountain in the summer especially, but there’s also a fantastic vista point not far from the parking lot where you can see for miles…all the way up to Denali on a clear day. I used to love to drive up there on winter mornings when the whole of Anchorage was encased in an ice fog. On the drive up, the fog would be dense and heavy, but it would start to thin near the top until suddenly you emerged in the crisp, winter air and glorious sunlight. The city below would be completely cloaked and you could imagine yourself alone in the world. To echo some of Ben’s sentiments from his post, I have always experienced God in the mountains in a different way than I have elsewhere.

Biblically, this makes sense to me as well.  God seems to have a special place in His heart for mountains. I love how He always had His temples among his people, but when He chose to take up residence with the Israelites in the desert and speak to Moses, it was on a mountain. Jesus also had a thing for mountains. The gospels speak repeatedly of him going up into the mountains by himself to pray…sometimes he would stay there all night (Luke 6:12). He also did a lot of his speaking from mountainsides (but I suspect that probably had more to do with acoustics).

Shortly after arriving in Alaska, my friend who moved with me had decided she wanted to go home. Those first few months there after she left were some of the loneliest I’ve ever known as I tried to figure out what my new life would look like 5,000 miles from everything I knew “home” to be. But the great paradox I learned is that it’s in loneliness that I feel the least alone for it’s in loneliness when I am most reminded that I am not alone.  God is there.  As David writes in Psalm 139:7-9…

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

Even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

It was also during this time that God used the mountains as perspective givers for me. If things weren’t going well, or if I was feeling overwhelmed with life, I would just drive out to where I could spend some time with the mountains and in prayer. It’s extremely humbling to stand on (or even next to) something so majestically huge with the knowledge that it was formed by our God through His power alone (Psalm 65:6). He is indeed an awesome God.

I wrote the following poem on 10/14/96 during my first few weeks in Alaska…not surprisingly, it begins and ends with mountains:

The mountains stretch out
Across purple skies
To the end of the world
Or so it seems.
But they do stretch far
Far
Far out of sight.
Beyond comprehension.
Beyond confusion.
Beyond dismissal.
Beyond betrayal.
Beyond lies.
Beyond fear.
Beyond feelings of hopelessness
And loss.
All my fragments
Of ragged dreams
Are swallowed up
In the magnificence
Of jagged rocks
Blanketed with snow.
The enormity
Of the mountains
Makes problems seem
Insignificant.
Small.
Trivial.
Resolvable.
So I sit
In stillness
And focus
On the mountains.

Partly what I love about not just mountains, but the wilderness in general is the peace that’s there. I feel like peace is often so hard to find today in our crazed tilt-a-whirl lives. In an attempt to obtain it, I will sometimes purposely leave my cell phone at home (gasp!). I love when I go on trips that cause me to abandon my connections to the world. I have found that when I extract myself from the craziness of life, turn off my cell phone, and just allow myself to be quiet, God is able to speak without competing distractions, and I find I am often more apt to hear Him. The wilderness gives me an excuse to do that.

John Muir once said:

To the lover of wilderness, Alaska is one of the most wonderful countries in the world.

When I had gone back to AK for a visit in 2002, it was a particularly clear day and Denali was so stunning, I decided to go on a flight-seeing trip out of Talkeetna up to the mountain.  It was kind of last minute, and outside of the regular tourist schedule, but I found someone to take me and ended up with a bonus – the pilot was flying the first climber of the season out to Denali base camp and I got to ride along. On the way back, the pilot told me about someone he had dropped off on a glacier near Denali for several weeks over the winter. I had actually read an article about it so was even more interested when the pilot told me he had been their “taxi” to and from their adventure. To be left in the middle of the mountains in Alaska would probably be a nightmare for some, but it sounded like heaven to me.

There has been a lot of judgment flying around from the so-called “armchair experts” who are, in my opinion, awfully brash – throwing their dogmatic opinions at people and on topics about which they have little knowledge and no personal experience. While not a mountain climber myself (or at least not currently), I still can understand the drives and the desires that motivate them… I also know the joy that comes in doing something you love, even when discomfort – or even danger – are involved. I think I realized this the most acutely on the second day of the Inca Trail. It was the day I both looked forward to and dreaded with the same breath. Most guidebooks even referred to it as “grueling”. We were coming up to the highest point of the trek at 13,770 feet – Dead Woman’s Pass. We were tired, sore, hungry, wet, and cold. I remember stopping for a breather at one point and saying to one of the other members of my group that I was walking with that, even though I was as physically uncomfortable as I was, I was also incredibly happy. “At this moment,” I told her, “there is absolutely no other place in the world I would rather be.”

That’s a fantastic state to be in. One day, I hope to reside there permanently… For now though, part of my journey is learning to live in contentment with where God has me. But He also knows my heart…better than anyone else…and He understands the irresistable song the mountains sing to me and maybe one day He will place me among them again. Perhaps then I’ll start to climb them too.

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In the last few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about health and nutrition.  I’ve got a number of little annoying health issues that have been bugging me (e.g. allergies, digestion due to lack of a gall bladder, arthritis in my foot left over from when I broke it, etc.) and I’ve been looking into ways to help these issues by doing something “simple” like changing my eating habits.

This of course isn’t a bad thing to do…in fact, it’s something I should probably be a little more conscious about anyhow.  I’ve already made changes in my lifestyle over the past few years between not eating any artificial sweetners, cutting out soda, hydrogenated oils, etc. but I’m feeling more like maybe something more radical is called for.

I expressed this interest/desire to a friend of mine at church who had some fabulous insight and pointed me to a detox plan that she and her husband have been doing for years now called “The Fast Track Detox Diet“.  Yeah, I know, sounds a little hokey, but she loaned me her book and, upon reading as well as listening to her story, it has prompted me to give it a try.

At its core, the plan is a liver/colon detox plan.  As everyone knows, we’re bombarded with toxins day-in-day-out in our normal environment.  With cancer, diabetes, and obesity on the constant rise, it certainly can’t hurt to employ a little more deliberate action into our eating and even going through a periodic detox, right?  So I’ve decided to give it a go.

This plan seemed a lot more feasible to me than others I’ve read about…  For one thing, it doesn’t require a unrealistic eating regimen to be followed for weeks on end.  It’s 11 days.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t control my environment and pantry for months-on-end, but 11 days I can certainly handle…

So this week has been about reading, gathering intelligence, and getting myself psyched out to start the plan.  My friend has been a huge help since she’s as excited as I am.  Since I recognize that the stage for success is set by surrounding myself with everything I need so I’m also working through my shopping list, meal plans, and all that jazz.

Thursday is the day I’ve set aside to hit the farmer’s markets and hook myself up with all the veggies I need.  The fruits are best gotten frozen, so I’ll probably make run to Whole Foods or the like to make sure I have plenty of organics in that department.  Veggies on the list include those which are known for being especially good for the liver & colon like artichokes, broccoli, cauliflower, etc.  Of course there are supplements involved such as whey, flaxseed oil, and other fun items like that.  In addition I can’t neglect my proteins which will include free range chicken, grass-fed beef, and farm-fresh eggs.

Another aspect to this whole process is the clarity that seems to come with detox so I think journaling will certainly be in order…  Not sure how much of it will be appropriate to place on the blog, but I will post what I can just so I can share with you all how the whole process goes.  I’m even looking at possibly getting a massage in during my detox day – it’s been over 2 years since I’ve had one of those so it would most definitely be a welcome addition to the day.

In particular I’ve been told/read that the juice fast day is one of particular mental and spiritual clarity and renewal.  Have to also admit that I can’t wait to see what God chooses to use this time for and what insight He might provide me during this time.

In essence, I am committing to “eating clean” for a solid 11 days including a one-day full-out juice detox day (7 days before the fast, and 3 days after).  The more I’ve read and researched, the more excited about the prospect I become.

Detox…bring it on!

To begin with, I titled this “Online Dating Sucks” because…well…it does. Sucks like a big ‘ol freaking Hoover.

One of my biggest beefs with the whole process is that I feel that the online venue allows for people who might otherwise lack the social skills to enter into a dating relationship in the normal course of life. This is not to say that it always attracts socially inept individuals (case in point, myself) but it does seem to cater to them. After all, how easy is it to meet women from your hiding place behind a computer? You don’t even have to be yourself if you don’t want. No one’s going to make you be honest. No one’s going to call you out on not being true to who you really are. No one’s even going to know that the picture you posted is a 10-year-old glamor shot from the mall and doesn’t even remotely look like the non-airbrushed you who, incidentally, weighs an additional 40 pounds and no longer has hair. I’m just saying.

Again, I understand that the online thing works and has worked for a lot of people. For me however, it has yielded less-than-favorable results.

In addition to the “protection” that online dating provides, I also feel like it lends to microwaving something that really ought to be slow-cooked. You may or may not like someone within the first few seconds of meeting, but that doesn’t mean the jury should immediately render a verdict. Most recently I discovered I had an attraction to someone that I had known for months and would never have thought I’d be interested in…but getting to actually know him was what changed that. Online dating doesn’t allow for this. Instead, I think we lean towards calling the jury back prematurely rather than looking to maybe begin a friendship. Seriously, where’s the fire people? Stop running around with your hose! (No dirty pun intended) Why not calm down, relax, and enjoy the ride!

But that is not what happens.

Allow me to elaborate by sharing with you my typical online match-up experience which has gone something like this…

• In a fit of optimism, I join eHarmony (or match.com or the like, but for the sake of this example and the fact that I’m on eHarmony right now, I’ll stick with that).
• I see a lot of profiles and a few of which I actually like.
• One of us reaches out through eHarmony’s “Guided Communication” process.
• We take a few days to work our way through all of the Q&A sessions and end up finally going back and forth through site-handled email.
• We exchange phone numbers, and then someone makes the first call.
• We talk. It usually goes well because, let’s face it, it’s hard for a standard small-talk discussion to go badly.
• We decide to meet up (usually sooner rather than later) for dinner/coffee/what-have-you.
• The night of the “big date” arrives with little (if any) fanfare.
• Afterwards, the guy typically proceeds to fall off the face of the planet…or at least they seem to.

The End.

Sometimes I’m disappointed when this happens. Most of the time I expect it. This last time out was no different. Experience has taught me not to get hopes up. That if you must be optimistic, do it with caution signs. “Danger: Potential Flaky Guy Ahead”. Yeah, you ain’t just whistling Dixie.

As I said in my previous post, I was cautiously optimistic about this last guy. On paper, he seemed great. Said all the right things, did all the right things…with gusto, I might add. In our conversations he even implied that, while we may not be each others “perfect match,” that was no reason to think that we wouldn’t still be friends, at the very least. It seemed to fit… Our interests were similar. As were our personalities. And, while I really don’t think that ending up with someone just like me would be a good idea (how would anything ever get done??), I definitely thought there was friend potential. My mistake.

We had our date last Friday night. I didn’t sense a true click (read: chemistry) like you do when you meet someone you think you could see yourself with, I still finished the night thinking, “Gee, that was fun. He’s pretty cool. I definitely see friendship” only to find after the weekend was through that he didn’t feel the same way…or at least, that’s what I assume. See, after receieving dozens of text messages and spending hours on the phone, since our outing, he has barely seen fit to respond to any communication from me. Well, whatever.

The thing that pisses me off really is that interested or not, to disappear on someone is just rude. It goes against everything your mother (hopefully) taught you about basic, polite social behavior. How about a little respect fellas? Why not at least say, “Hey, didn’t really feel a connection, but I still had a nice time hanging out with you”? What’s so difficult about that? I mean unless your dinner/coffee companion threw a drink in your face and called your mother ugly, there’s really no excuse to not at least manage a pleasant “Adios” after the date is done for the sake of closure if nothing else.

But the sad thing is that this is what I’ve come to expect because this is what happens again and again and again. If it weren’t for the fact that I have solid friends who would tell me if there was something I was doing that provoked this behavior, I might be tempted to think that it is somehow about me. Something I’m doing or not doing that’s screams “It’s okay to blow me off” to these guys.

Thankfully, I’ve also had relationships in the past that have lasted (none of which were begun online, I might add) and so I know I’m capable of being in a relationship and being a good girlfriend. I am. Promise.

Even so, since the only common denominator in these stories is me, it’s difficult to not feel like somehow I’m bringing this on myself…but how can you really know? That’s where you come in.

I’m really hoping that this post finds its way onto the computer screens of not just my extended circle of family and friends, but that some other women out there who have maybe had similar or otherwise frustrating experiences with the online dating scene and may find my thoughts resonating with them.

So please forward the link to anyone single women you know, or if you are one, I’d love to get some feedback or hear other people’s stories…and not the ones that are all about someone you know who met their husband/wife online. I’ve had enough of those. Right now I just need to know that I’m not alone…and/or crazy.

I’ve done enough venting, but thanks for listening. Now it’s time for you guys to weigh-in…please! And while you do, I’m going to sit back in a chair on my fabulous patio in the warmth of late Spring, enjoy a beer, and be thankful that I have such a great life even though there’s no man in it (online or otherwise)…yet.

“When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun.  Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious.  You could break a bone or a heart.  You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you.  And in life, there’s no safety net.  When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” – Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City

Okay, so I wanted to do a little…well…talking, I suppose.  And I didn’t want to put it out on the blog without a password because I’m not entirely sure that the guy I’m talking about hasn’t discovered this blog yet.  My plan originally was not to tell him about it, but alas I sent an email that had a link to it at the bottom (oops) and so I’m not certain that he didn’t see it and click on it thereby rendering all things posted as potentially unsafe.

[UPDATE:  Since we are now several months past this whole event, I have removed the password and changed the names to protect the innocent so I feel there's no longer any danger in making this visible to the world.]

I should probably begin by explaining how, around my birthday I had a moment of pure optimism and rejoined eHarmony for the first time in over 2 years.  I’m sure I just made Cbo’s head explode or at the very least, her skin crawl with that statement.  Honestly, I can’t say that I disagree with either of those responses.  In fact the first couple of days, the only matches I received were balding men in their late-40’s who looked for the most part like they either had a bunch of bodies hidden in the freezer, still live at home with mom & dad, or some combination of both.  However, now 3 weeks later, there have been a few thrown across my match page which actually managed to catch my attention.

Only two of them have I actually gotten all the way to emailing with so far.  One of them is 2 months out of a 4 year relationship and while I know that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not ready for another one, he did bring up his ex twice in the first phone conversation we had prompting me to ask how long the relationship had been over for.  That doesn’t bode well and I can’t ignore the little robot inside me screaming “Danger, Will Robinson!” while waving red flags.

The other one of the two is who really intrigued me.

For the sake of privacy, I’ll just call him H.  H is 39, lives in Massachusetts, and has lived a very VERY interesting existence up to this point.  In our conversation last night (which lasted over 2 hours) I found myself shocked that this guy was still single.  He doesn’t seem to be emotionally stunted.  Nor does he appear to be socially inept.  He doesn’t spend his weekends LARPing.  He’s not a closet serial killer, and he assured me that he’s not gay (although I’m not sure why he felt the need to assure me of that) and has never before been married.

But…I can’t help think there’s got to be SOMETHING.  Something about this guy has got to be off…  He’s good-looking (or at least that’s what I pick up from his photos and just some other in-between-the-lines indicators), he’s got a family he loves, he’s insanely upfront and open, and by all counts appears to be just one of those “good guys” you always read about.  So…where’s that other shoe that surely about to drop right on my head?  I have no idea…at least not yet.

Now I’m not typically this skeptical…  In fact, more often than not, I’m the glass-is-half-full girl, however in the realm of dating (ESPECIALLY online dating), I tend towards being cautious.  I can’t help it.  I think anyone would who’s been burned as often as I have would be.  I’ve actually lost count of how many guys I’ve had great phone conversations with, but who turned out to be total duds in person.  I also have had others seem as great in person as they were on the phone only to never be heard from again after our meet-and-greet.  One even was amazing on email, practically proposing to me on the phone, but then when it came time to meet up in person, he completely freaked out and couldn’t go through with it.  Still others were not even interested enough to venture into a phone conversation.

That’s just a taste of my experiences in this arena – can you blame me therefore if I look at these new guys a little sideways?  The wounds are no longer raw from these other idiots in my past, but the scars are still there.

H’s story, as best I can summarize, is that he’s spent the majority of his life living and/or traveling all over the world (sound like anyone you know?)  He was in the Air Force working as a photojournalist.  About a year or so ago he was struck by a drunk driver and suffered a near-broken back.  The last year he’s spent in physical therapy getting back to himself.  He was unfortunately forced to give up his job since he couldn’t lift a can of coke let alone a camera bag, and so he ended up taking a job with a company in Mass. which focuses on technology program management (which sounds very similar to what I do with project management).

From what else I can gather, he’s smart, very articulate, extremely trusting, and doesn’t appear to have any unabomber tendencies.  Even though I don’t see any glaring red flags as yet, I think there is a potential yellow or orange one.  One of the questions he posed to me before we got into the whole open-emailing phase was centered around how I felt about opposite gender close friends.  We discussed this a little further last night since I had a hard time answering that question with the multiple choice selection, and I was sure there must be some driving force behind him asking it in the first place.  Turns out one of his best friends is a woman.  We didn’t discuss at length since it’s nothing I felt needed to be talked over in an initial phone conversation.  Neither would I care unless we became seriously involved.  Essentially I feel that if I were to end up in a serious relationship/marriage with any guy, I would expect that the most intimate relationship in my and his life would be ours.  I would think it strange if I got married and my best friend continued to be some guy I knew that wasn’t my husband…and I would hope my husband would think that would be strange as well!  Call me crazy, but I’ve seen relationships torn apart over less.  I’m not saying it would be an issue, but just that it could be.  However, it’s also not something I’m particularly concerned with right now – just one more reason for caution.

So that’s all the news…at least for now.  Looks like I may actually get to meet him as early as May.  I was going up to Boston anyway to hang w/S and the girls over that weekend so H might come and take me out for dinner.  I’ll be sure to keep you guys posted.

Oh the post title?  Yeah, that was just a reminder to myself to remain cautious, but not be timid.  Cross the road, just make sure you look both ways.

XOXO

Sidebar: I just was distracted by watching Chena bury some item of great value (at least to her) in the folds of a towel on the floor. But it’s cool, she’s a dog. It’s what she does. Still, kinda funny.

Anyway, despite my little online explosion the other day, I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m really doing pretty well – this especially for those of you who don’t see me all that often and might not know what to think when I don’t post for weeks and then suddenly come out with a message like I did on Monday.

But I’m good. I’m busy, I’m happy, I love my dog, I’m healthy, I have hardwood floors, I have a new patio door, I’m getting a new patio to go with it next week, and I’m employed. I’ve been thinking it over the past couple of days and decided that, despite any guy thing (or lack thereof) I’m not about to be bullied by happiness.

I should probably explain that last statement.

Dave Ramsey says in one of our FPU lessons (and he may have been quoting someone else, I don’t know) that if you’re not careful, happiness can become a “bully in a schoolyard”. Always drawing a line in the sand, but as soon as you step over that line – as soon as you obtain what you’re after – it moves. But happiness is not really the greener grass on the other side of the fence. Happiness is where you are right now, regardless of incidentals.

I think I started to learn this lesson somewhat when I was in England. I was frustrated with being in the UK – especially being so far out in the middle of nowhere. But I also knew that it was a good time in my life…something I would look back on and appreciate – although there were many times when I couldn’t wait to be “looking back” on it instead of living it! Still, I knew that this was the case, so I made a concerted effort to find things that I loved and appreciated about Leamington, Warwickshire, and the UK in general. Even now, I think back on that time and remember fondly my fabulous flat on Clarendon Square, the amazing Irish butter, Muellers Crumble Corners, riding my bike to work, walking everywhere, taking weekend trips into Europe, being so close to Stratford that I had a membership with the Royal Shakespeare Company at a “locals” rate… I could go on and on. So despite the fact that it was rough year (and I know I complained a lot), I still could appreciate it and still do. So much so that I’d go back for the right opportunity.

That whole concept of completing the phrase, “Happiness is [fill in the blank]” is really kinda difficult to do. Happiness is…uh…what? How can you define happiness if it’s a moving target? And there’s the rub.

Happiness isn’t that thing just out of reach. It’s not the marriage and kids you don’t have. It’s not the job you wished you’d gotten. It’s not the car you drive (or wish you drove). Neither is happiness a particular thing that happens once or many times over. Happiness is now. Happiness just IS.

If we don’t stop tying our happiness to the having or attaining of specific things, we’ll always be bullied by it and we’ll never find true contentment.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that sure, I’m missing some stuff from my life that I’d like to have, but ultimately, those missing items don’t necessarily detract from my ability to still see and enjoy and love and find happiness in where I am right now.

Paul said it like this in Philippians 4:11 – “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”

Rock on Paul. That’s what I’m talking about.

Janelle’s thoughts on this were the most encouraging. I think she said that, in all the time she’s known me, she’s never seen me have this good of a relationship with a guy I wasn’t dating. We’re just friends…and good friends at that, at least I think we are. I feel incredibly comfortable with him, and I think he feels the same with me. We’re alike enough to have things to talk about, but different enough to be interesting. He makes me laugh – and vice versa (always good to find someone who appreciates my sometimes-insane sense of humor). I feel like I could say just about anything to him, and again vice versa (I think).

The agony is two-fold.

On the one hand, as I said, we most likely have no future. I also have horrible luck with men. The ones I like usually don’t like me back – or if they do, chances are there’s something terribly wrong with them that only time will reveal. The ones that do like me are usually desperados who mistake my being nice for romantic interest (the LARPer springs to mind). There is a part of me that REALLY wants to know whether there is any interest on his side or not…although I’m not sure which response would be worse.

Allow me to explain.

If the answer is that he likes me too, well then I’m faced with what to do with that when getting involved with him would be a potentially slippery slope into a place I don’t know if I really want to be. At the same time, this would be a nice ego boost – everyone wants to be wanted, after all.

If the answer is that no, he isn’t interested in me as anything more than a friend, then I think I would be more hurt than I have been in a long, long time. I mean, what could be worse than someone who knows you incredibly well then decides that they don’t have any interest in who you really are. It’s one thing to have someone reject you who doesn’t really know you. It’s another matter altogether to be rejected by someone who does. Call me crazy, but THAT is not something I particularly want to face.

Where do I go from here? I have no idea. I love what Jel had to say when we spoke last night – she’s so encouraging. But at the end of the day, caring about someone only seems to amplify feelings of loneliness and my desire to share my life and experiences with someone which I’m otherwise pretty much able to ignore.

Talk about a rock & a hard place.

So…now what?

But the real reason I’ve been spurred to write this morning is due to a story I just saw on Good Morning America.

I’m not normally a morning show watcher (GMA or any others), but they caught my interest this morning when they previewed a piece on Twitter they were going to do. Being a big fan of Twitter, I naturally was interested to hear what they were going to say (they think Twitter’s great, by the way).

But then Twitter wasn’t all that attracted my attention. They went on to discuss a dating compatibility tool that uses – get this – DNA.

That’s right my fellow singletons – for just $99 you can give GenePartner a swab of DNA from your cheek and have them run their tests to provide you with your given genetic compatibility with others looking for that “special someone”.

Hm.

GMA went and followed a couple on their first date where they had them do their DNA testing before having dinner. The results were then revealed on GMA this morning with the couple sitting in the studio. This particular couple came out with a 90% match which only seemed to solidify what they had already discovered from their date. So they already knew they liked each other. If this couple had been doing this on their own, this means that they’d have spent $99 to find out what they already knew.

A few things about this make me uneasy, but I’ll just share a couple of them.

First, what if it had gone the other way? What if they’d be out on the date, liked each other, but then the DNA results came back to say that they weren’t genetically compatible. That alone may not have been enough for them call it quits right away, but I can’t help but feel like knowing that in the back of their minds wouldn’t undermine their possible relationship. Think about it – what if you were married, engaged, or even seriously dating someone and you and your partner decided to do this DNA compatibility testing for kicks and it came back that you weren’t genetically compatible. How much would that suck?

Another thing that troubles me about this is it further shows what I see as a burgeoning trend among our single society to run after so-called scientific methods of finding your “perfect match.” While I’m far more inclined to listen to what a psychologist would say about the kind of man who would be good for me, I still would rather leave it up to my friends, family, and God to bring me the right guy across my path.

And maybe that’s the difference. Maybe in the absence of a belief and trust in God to hook me up with the man I should be with, scientific methods work as a substitute. They certainly seem far more concrete than what many see as an ambiguous God who surely has far more important matters to attend to than finding me a date for the weekend, right? Or maybe some of the motivation stems from the GenX-ers fear of divorce. We are the first real generation of divorce, after all… Perhaps as a result of that, we’re searching for new ways of making sure the one we pick is the right one for us – after all, who really goes into a relationship wanting to divorce? Perhaps those from broken homes think that they can avoid this fate if they have enough unbiased, third-party input into selecting their mate. I’m totally speculating here, but there might be something to that…

I’m not trying to say that some of these scientific approaches couldn’t help…God is the master scientist, after all. At the very least these types of tests and things can probably teach you something about yourself that you may not have already known which is certainly valuable.

eharmony, for example, has an interesting personality test that it uses to find your matches for you. So while eHarmony failed to match me up successfully with anyone in the 6 years (and hundreds of dollars) I spent with them, I still found the personality test output interesting. And, while some of the matches they sent me were dogs, there were some good guys as well. Of course the ones I liked never called me back… If we’d had a DNA test in hand that said we were genetically compatible, would that have changed anything? I doubt it. We had eHarmony’s endorsement that we were compatible from a personality standpoint and clearly that wasn’t enough.

The fact is, you either feel it or you don’t and no amount of scientific testing or results can change that. All it can really do is potentially affirm a choice you’ve already made, but I don’t think it can make you try against your gut reaction. I speak from experience on this one.

So maybe this makes me naive, but after all the online dating I’ve done over the past decade, I’ve come to the conclusion that at the end of the day, I would rather put my faith and trust in the God of the universe to take care of my needs – emotional or otherwise.

New Year’s Day…now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions.  Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.  – Mark Twain

Well 2009 is off to a fantastic start. Yesterday was dull. Today is duller (if that were even possible). I was going to go to S’s for dinner tonight and then go see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button but alas, she had to cancel and so now I’m doing nada.  I’ll probably stay in and watch more of The Food Network.  You laugh, but I’m dead serious.  I’ve been a little food-obsessed since being sick last week.  It would seem that my body does not recover quickly from stomach-related illnesses, so I can’t eat anything right now outside of Jell-O, bread, water, and broth.  As a result, I’ve taken to eating vicariously through others.  I’ve been watching hours upon hours of The Food Network…Big Daddy’s House, Rachael Ray, Iron Chef…you name it, I’m watching it and salivating over everything on the screen.  In addition, I’ve been actually reading my recipe books and making lists of all the wonderful sounding dishes I’m going to whip up when I’m able to eat again.  It’s like Jim Gaffigan says – when you’re hungry, The Food Network is like porn.

So crazy food obsession aside, right now I feel like I’m in a holding pattern. It’s Friday, but it’s a weird Friday because yesterday the office was closed and so most [sane] people took today off. I was originally supposed to have it off as well, but due to the possible Seattle venture later this month, I felt it was more wise to not use up any vacation I didn’t absolutely have to take. See, I got a message from Jel & Sean on Monday – they’re set to finally go on their honeymoon, but their plans for the care of their kids fell through at the last minute. They exhausted all resources on their end and then came to see if I would consider coming out to Seattle to watch the kids for the last portion of their honeymoon trip. I would love to, of course – their kids are awesome, and they’re practically family to me, so I would do whatever it took to help them out. The only catch is that I can’t really afford to use up all of that time as vacation. I sent an email to AD to see if he would consider letting me work remotely as an alternative. There’s really no reason why I couldn’t – I won’t have anything else to do when I’m not watching KJ or running Z around, so it would be a great opportunity to shake up a dreary winter and help out my friends. Thing is, I just don’t know what he’s going to say.

I have never asked for flexibility to this extent, so I’m hoping that he’ll be cool with it. However, every once in awhile he’s surprised me by not being okay with something that I think he will be. I’m trying not to worry about it, but it’s hard… After all, I’m having to wait a week to hear his response so the suspense has been building and building and building. I feel like I’m in some horror movie with high-pitched violin music in the background waiting for an axe-weidling Jack Nicholson to come flying at me from around the next corner.  It could happen.

I also am having an I’m-so-sick-of-my-life-I-can-hardly-stand-it moment today. You know the kind – where I’m wishing I was anywhere but here.  Some of it is I’m sure brought on by the stress I’m feeling over not knowing what will happen at work on Monday.  Some of it is tied into the promotion thing which I’m still steamed about.  Some of it is the weather.  Some of it is how insanely morgue-like it’s been in the office this past week.  Some of it is my unfinished kitchen floor.  Some of it is my missing baseboards.  Some of it is my hideous backyard.  Some of it is my hair which I just couldn’t get to look quite right this morning.  And some of it is just my insatiable hunger for change that I do not see being fulfilled any time in the foreseeable future.

I have a headache, I’m cold, I’m tired, and I was told I could leave at 2, but alas I personally am stuck here until at least 4.  Sigh.  I had this Chicken Noodle Soup in a Bread Bowl from Panera for lunch.  The soup was way creamier than I would have expected for what traditionally has been a broth soup, and then combined with the bread (which I think has expanded in my stomach to roughly the size of Japan), I’m finding myself to be uncomfortably full now.

I guess you could say that I’m not really having the best day.

I know, I know…it’s a new year full of hope and promise and doves and pixie dust. Well not in my narcotic-free world…and the rest of you should stop doing drugs if you’re seeing doves and pixie dust.

New Years actually ignored me this year.  Literally.   I completely missed midnight.   I was talking to Jel on the phone and we hung up while there were still 7 minutes on the clock for 2008.  Next time I looked at the clock, the one on the stand said midnight, but apparently it was slow because the one on the cable box said 12:03.  So I unknowingly christened in 2009 with ice water while watching Iron Chef America.   Exciting stuff.  No New Year’s kiss (when was the last time I was kissed anyway?  2005, but 1998 was my last Near Years kiss I think…that’s awfully sad), no champagne, no pomp, no circumstance…practically no New Years at all.

So I officially have skipped the holidays this year.   I refuse to believe that Christmas happened because I was so sick that I virtually have no memory of it, and now after being snubbed by New Years, I think perhaps the better position to take is that there were no holidays this year – they just didn’t happen.

I suppose I could use this time to document my 2009 New Year resolutions, but how can I document resolutions for a year that snuck in like some sort of deviant ashamed to come to the front door?  Do I really want to encourage that behavior?  Well, I guess regardless of how it arrived, 2009 is actually here, so I should at least acknowledge its presence with some sort of list of things to accomplish over the next 12 months, so here we go…

2009 New Year Resolutions

1. Finish off my debt (at least everything but house-related)
2. Get back into shape (something that has been severely lacking since leaving NYC also)
3. Formulate a 5-year plan (this seems appropriate since I’ll be 35 this year and would like to have something sorted out for where I’ll be when I’m 40)
4. Partake in 2009’s holiday season since I missed out on 2008
5. Cook at least one new recipe at home each week.

So that’s it for this year…  I don’t like to go too crazy with resolutions – would rather keep them smaller and therefore things that could actually be achieved which is why “Climb Everest” didn’t make the list this year.

What are your New Years resolutions?

It’s that time of year again…  Time for cookies, trees, gifts, snow (if you’re lucky), songs, mistletoe, ornaments, lights, and joy at celebrating the birth of Jesus.  It’s also time for yearly updates.  Every year I receive tons of letters from my friends telling me all about the seemingly endless amounts of awesome things their kids accomplished – Johnny took his first steps, Billy said his first word, Jane walked on the moon, Susie found the cure for cancer…  And each year as I sit and read through these letters, I’m struck by just how much I have NOT done.

Or at least, the past few years have been like that.

Prior to 2005, I typically felt like I had a lot to say come December.  I was moving to or living in or traveling through amazing places – Alaska, Europe, Asia, New York City…  But then I moved back to Bucks County – not far from where I grew up – and the excitement seems to have ceased.

I debated as to whether or not to even write something for this year having felt outdone by just about everyone else out there…after all, how can you beat out someone taking their first steps?  But after some thought on the matter, I decided that perhaps it was more important do go through this exercise for 2008 because it would help me focus on finding the things that were worth mentioning.

So in the name of hoping 2008 was worth it, I give you…

2008: Year of the Rat

(I’m not making that up – check the Chinese calendar if you don’t believe me)

Let’s begin with 10 “stills” in my life (because it would be more depressing to end there – not that they’re all negatives or anything, but you know what I mean):

1. I’m still in Pennsylvania
2. I’m still single
3. I still live in the same townhouse
4. I still have the same fabulous roommate
5. I still have Chena the Amazing Dog & Brighton the Great Bird – Chena turned 2 this year and Brighton turned 10
6. I still work for the same company
7. I still have the same job…or in this environment, perhaps it’s most meaningful to say I still HAVE a job
8. I still have debt
9. I still love coffee
10. I still hate raw tomatoes

Below is a summary of 2008…such as it was:

January

I went to Atlanta to visit my family while Jo & Josh were there. I also found Dave Ramsey and decided set New Years Resolutions to lose weight, start living on a budget, and begin a plan to pay off my debt.

February

I started my budget.  I also found out that my foot which I broke in Vermont in 2005 was, in fact, still broken so I was going to have to treat it by wearing this weird bone stimulator (no, it’s not like that – get your mind out of the gutter)  10 hours/day for 6 months.  Yay.

March

Gas prices really started soaring, but I still managed to budget in a trip up to Boston to visit Esther & the girls for a long weekend over my birthday.

April

I started attending a Financial Peace University class that was being held locally and I found an amazing church…FINALLY.

May & June

Absolutely nothing of note took place.  Nothing.  May & June were a total waste this year.

July

I discovered I had a nest of yellowjackets my attic.  That was it.

August

Like its predecessors of May & June, August failed to contribute anything of interest for 2008.  I think I saw a movie.

September

The most exciting month all year!  I went to Seattle to visit Jel & Co.  A blast, as always, made even better by the fact that we had a full week to relax & hang.

October

Not as fun as September, but pretty.  Great foliage this year.  I also had new hardwood floors installed on the ground floor of my home. Oh, and I handed out candy to a lot of princesses & vampires with a few Harry Potter’s thrown in.

November

The removal of all the election paraphernalia from yards & TV was a highlight of my month, second only to the birth of my first nephew – Ronan Powell Rogers.  Yay!  And then of course there was Thanksgiving.  Yum.

December

I calculated that by the end of this year, I’ll have paid off 52% of my unsecured debt (36% of my overall debt) thanks to my budget, Dave Ramsey, and God.  I’ve lost 20 pounds of the untold amount I put on after moving out of NYC – still some to go, but I’m on the right track!  I got a Wii & a Wii Fit.

I really can’t underscore the importance of this task.  It’s huge and has required a lot of sacrifice which, in turn, has made for a relatively boring 2008.  And perhaps I should go ahead and warn everyone now that 2009 & 2010 will be going up against 2008 on that front.  In 2011, I’ll be sure to give the title of Most Boring Year to one of these 3 contenders because, let’s face it, until I get my debt paid off, I may not being doing much else between now and then…although I do foresee a trip to North Dakota to see my nephew this coming year and perhaps a smaller getaway or two if I can manage it – we’ll see if that budget will allow me that!  I became a moderator in December of last year for the GAP Adventures travel forum called The Watering Hole which, while a technically a volunteer position, carries with it some other nice perks like credit towards GAP trips which I might be able to leverage towards this end.

In closing, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  I sincerely hope your 2008 was more interesting than mine…  But now look out 2009 – here we come!

Sometimes I think a real date with someone I like would be a nice way to spend a Saturday night.  I’m just saying.

And at that moment, I would have said that tonight might have been a good night to test out that theory. But that was then…and it wasn’t snowing.

As most of you are aware, I have a few shows which I would consider to be lifetime favorites.  One is most certainly The Gilmore Girls.  Brilliant writing and storyline aside, one of the reasons I love Gilmore Girls is due to the many ways in which I could relate to Lorelai – for example, her relationship (read: obsession) with coffee.  Another would be her love affair with snow.

Everyone knows how much I love coffee – and I would venture to say that much of the population can relate on those terms as well.  However, I’ve found the snow thing tends to illicit rather negative responses from people.  Phrases filled with hatred, swearing, and even fear pour from people’s mouths at the very mention of it on the news.  And then there are always those who try to hide their dislike of it by saying, “Oh, I think it’s pretty and all, but only if I don’t have to go out in it.”

Well, I love snow.  I love when it falls.  I get sad when it stops.  Blizzards are awesome.  I don’t mind shoveling it.  I don’t mind being out in it.  I don’t mind driving in it.  In fact, I am never so happy inside as when it’s snowing.  Snow makes me smile.  I love how it looks, sounds, smells…  I love it all.  Snow is one of the reasons I sometimes consider relocating back to Alaska.  I get just about as defensive of snow as I do of New York.  And so, to all those who act so put out when it snows, to them I say that perhaps they should consider moving to the tropics.  Incidentally, these are probably the same group of people who, when I used to say that I lived in New York, I would have gotten a response like, “Wow – New York!  I could never live there.”  Couple that with a negative comment about the snow and you might as well pull my hair, kick me somewhere unpleasant, call me fat, and tell me I could only have ugly children.  (I know my fellow New Yorkers will understand this).

So, at this moment I have to admit that sitting here only a few weeks before my favorite holiday, cozy in my house in the glow of the Christmas tree watching a marathon of holiday films while snow is falling softly outside is the best way I can think of to spend a Saturday night…by far.

All I need now is some coffee.

I know, I know – there’s no rule that if someone befriends me, I have to accept. In fact, Facebook has been kind enough to not notify someone if I choose to ignore a friend request. It also doesn’t send any sort of notification if I decide to remove someone I previously accepted. Great. Thanks Facebook. But that doesn’t quite take away the fact that these people are still out there and, if they were to find me, could still send me messages whether I respond to them or not…and I’m not the kind of person who can easily ignore a message.

So what brought this on?

One of the curses of being tall is that cooking (or doing dishes) at standard-height counter tops will eventually kill your lower back. Mine now kills (man, am I getting old). While I’m waiting for it to stop spazzing out like it’s being attacked, the activities available to me are somewhat limited. Naturally sitting in an ergonomic chair at the computer is one of the least painful, and lends itself to doing things like surfing around on Facebook.

So today I found myself perusing Facebook specifically looking to see if any of my exes (particularly the one who is more prone to stalker-like behavior) have joined up. So far, I’ve been lucky. My goal is mainly to block them once they do (you can’t block someone on Facebook until they join). However today while hunting for one of them, I stumbled across a whole group of people who I knew outside of school during those years between 16-18, or as I affectionately call them, “The Dark Years”. I was actually considering adding some of the journal entries from those days as blog posts, but upon reading through them, they were so dismal and unsettling, that I decided it was best they never see the light of the Internet.

Those were the years of my life that I recognize for their importance in shaping me to be who I am today, but were still years I’d rather not relive, revive, resurrect, or apply any sort of smelling salts to. Sure, they were key in making me who I am, but I am also in no way the same person today that I was then…and may I just say, THANK GOD FOR THAT!

Okay, fine. So don’t add any of these people to your Facebook friends then. Simple, right? Wrong. So wrong and so not that simple. While looking through this chunk of people that I have not seen, spoken to, nor heard from in nearly 17 years, there are some (2 to be exact) that I would actually like to reconnect with.

I know, that seems to go against everything I was just saying about that particular group of people, but these two are different. They weren’t part of the darkness in the same way I feel the others were. They didn’t ride on the backs of hellhounds when we would meet and hang out. Rather, they are people who I have wondered about, thought of, and even searched for on occasion. The problem is that this whole group – Dementors and all – are connected on Facebook (which I actually think is a little creepy). Therefore, if I connect with one of them, I open myself up to being connected to all (or having to explain why not).

I know I don’t owe them any explanation or anything else, for that matter, but to ignore them if they were to reach out, would just seem mean…and I’m not mean. At least, I don’t think I am generally speaking. And it’s really not their fault…it was a weird, freakish, hellish time for me, and they just had the misfortune of being there for it.

So, to contact, or not to contact? That is the question. Of course it may all be a moot point because I’ve already sent a note to one of them as I’m dying to know what’s been happening these last couple of decades, but…well…I guess we’ll see if the others catch on or not.

A pitfall of social networking sites for sure. I also find it difficult to believe that I’m the only one who has encountered this problem where, you’d like to fully put your past behind you…or your behind in your past (you say tomato…), but the Internet has made this all but impossible.

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Here’s the thing – I’m a writer.  No really, I am.   I’m not a writer in the sense that I actually publish stuff (unless you count my blog – my blog would probably count itself, but I would disagree because I control the printing).  So maybe I’m not a writer in the Pulitzer-Prize-winning-New-York-Times-Bestseller-Hollywood-wants-the-movie-rights sense, but I do write and always have.

I wrote my first full-length book at age 11 called “Dana of Warm Springs” which was inspired by and shamelessly modeled after – you guessed it – “Anne of Green Gables”.  I should probably mention that my first full-length story at age 7 called “The Oddness of Andrew” was inspired by and shamelessly centered on a boy in my 1st grade class named – you guessed it – Andrew.

Given these real (and somewhat embarrassing) facts, I feel like it just shouldn’t be that hard to string together enough words to create a new blog post.  And yet, it somehow is.

This is partially driven by the fact that I know I have readers, and I don’t want to disappoint you.   I don’t want to bother writing something that would either offend, annoy, or cause any of you to fall into a coma or wish for death.  I would hate to think that anyone would read my ramblings strictly out of a sense of duty either – I want this to be a fun and (dare I say) engaging experience for all. It would break my heart to think that reading one of my posts would be second only to a root canal in the amount of pain and anguish caused.

My blog is now telling me to shut-up and change the subject or it’s going to walk.  Fine.  Maybe if I just keep typing, something of interest will come to me.   I can’t believe I’m listening to a stupid blog.

Okay, so I’m just going to aimlessly type now.  Here goes…  Wish me luck!

So, the bulk of 2008 is behind us (phew!) and the future is in front of us (isn’t it always?), and I find myself again staring at the calendar in bewilderment wondering where the time has gone.  Seems to me I do this every year.  How very déjà vu.

I love November in general, mainly because it’s Thanksgiving month which is one of my favorite holidays. Christmas would be top of that list, but Thanksgiving is just plain fun with its pre-Winter weather and fabulous food. Yum. I think Americans (or at least this one) tend to see Thanksgiving as the official start of the “Holiday Season” which of course runs through New Years.

Since we’re nearing the end of the year, I’ve been taking a look back and trying to see how I’m doing on my 2008 resolutions overall.

For those who haven’t been following along all year, my resolutions were:

• Lose weight
• Live on a budget

To-date, I managed to get (and mostly stay) on Weight Watchers since January.  From January through July, I got myself almost  back to where I was when I moved from NYC.   To be totally honest, I fell off the proverbial wagon and into a vat of junk food for about 2.5 months, but a couple of weeks ago I got my slightly-fatter ass back on track and am almost back to where I had landed in August.  Of course the holidays will be tough, but I think I can do it.

The budget has been even better.  For quite possibly the first time in my life, I can actually tell you where every single cent that has come into my possession this year has gone.  I know what I’ve spent and where.   I know how much I have currently, and I know exactly what my last 3 paychecks of the year are going to do.   It is an amazing the control & peace that comes with being able to say that!  Part of this budget living has been with the objective of paying off as much debt as possible this year.  As I’ve said previously, my ultimate goal is to be debt-free by the end of 2010 (if not sooner) and I’m definitely on track to achieve that having gotten almost 50% paid off in 2008 alone.

Can I get a “WOW!”?

Now I know that 2009 will probably not allow me to make as huge a dent in this mountain – we’ve already been told that bonuses will be down and we may not see any raises this year.  Additionally, it’s looking like thanks to a miscalculation on my part, I may end up owing taxes as well.  But none of that matters right now because 2008 will still have been a smashing success in this area, and I am primed to at least keep moving forward.  Considering I have acquired no new debt since January and my credit cards were hacked to pieces in February, I think it’s safe to say that I will end in a much much MUCH better place than I did last year.

It’s still too early to start writing my 2009 resolutions as 2008 isn’t over yet.  But for what remains of the year, I just have to keep playing that line from the end of Star Wars where Luke and the other members of the Rebellion are out to destroy the Death Star and the one fighter pilot keeps saying to the others in this oddly calm voice: “Stay on target, stay on target.”

That will be my mantra for the next 7 weeks.  I promise I will write before then, but in the meantime, “May the Force be with you.”

However, seeing as this election was really a historical event more so than any other election has been, I do feel the need to at least comment about that aspect of it.

Come January 20th, we will have our first black president.  This is freaking huge and I don’t think the importance of this can be overstated.  Americans have finally shown themselves to be, as a majority, past the racial issues that divided us as little as half a century ago.  That is a big, massive deal and it’s encouraging to see that.  I have heard some say that this will go a long way in improving the rest of the world’s opinion of us as well.  Cool.

I was also encouraged by the number of people who came out to vote.  Every election I feel like I hear the phrase “record voter turnout” – can someone quantify that for me?  Are we really making a new record with each passing election?  If that’s true, then perhaps we are on our way to having nearly every American over 18 voting.  Right on.

I’m a major advocate of voting.  I believe in the democratic system (although the whole electoral college thing escapes me) and I believe that you have no right complaining if you’re not willing to go out and make your voice heard when you have a chance.  I’m just saying.

Before I sign-off and try to get some work done, I just want to close with a comment to the Christians out there who are unhappy with the outcome of the election.  As a Christian myself, I believe that we are called to be respectful of anyone who is in a position of authority whether we agree with them or not.  God is sovereign and I truly believe that whoever is in office is the best man (or woman) for the job in God’s big, strategic picture.

To quote Romans 13:1 (I just love Romans):

“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.”

So no matter what your opinion is of Obama personally, he has been given this position by God and will need our prayers over his term in office.  He certainly will have my prayers as he takes on a job that carries more weight than I can imagine.

God Bless America!

The fact that I did begin functioning on a budget, living on less than I make, and throwing as many hand grenades of cash at my debt as I can find has given me an alarming amount of peace during even these trouble financial/economic times.

As we all know, the government has been busy bailing out the mortgage industry and Wall Street (something which pisses me off to no end).  I, on the other  hand, would rather the mortgage industry and Wall Street clean up their own messes and leave our hard earned, taxpayer money out of it.  I have to clean up my own mess, why shoudn’t they?  Then again, we’ve managed to breed a society that in general doesn’t like to take personal responsibility for their actions.  They’d rather get a divorce, file for bankruptcy, or just run away.  When the going gets tough, the tough all turn into pansies.

I think that taking ownership of your mistakes and missteps is one of the things that grows you.  Turns you into a stronger person.  Humbles you.  And, in my Christian world view perspective, teaches you to lean more on God.

I kicked off 2008 annoyed, which really was the best place to be.  I find I can only really affect change in my life when I get to a point where I’m just ready to go ape on something.  I had been examining my financial state only to find that, after paying off debt with my bonus from the previous year, I had just managed to wrack it up again over the course of the previous 12 months…and this wasn’t the first time.  I’d had enough.

Today, I am happy to report that, although my 401(k) is struggling and I may be looking at a decrease in bonus for the coming year, I (with the help of Dave Ramsey) have broken the vicious financial cycle I’ve been more or less stuck churning in.  I may begin 2009 with a lower net worth due to my retirement accounts, but I am anticipating that my overall debt will be down at least 40% from where it was at the start of the year.  Yay!

So my personal bailout plan?

• Be on a written budget (”on paper, on purpose before the month begins”)
• Live on SIGNIFICANTLY less than I make
• Maintain my $1,000 starter emergency fund
• Continue my Debt Snowball until it becomes an avalanche
• Be debt free by the end of 2010 (WAHOO!)
• Build up my fully-funded emergency fund of 6-months of expenses
• Breathe easier!

Naturally it goes further than that (see Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps), but for now, this is what I’m focusing on.  More than anything, I want to dig myself out of this mountain of debt I’ve managed to all-but-bury myself in…but I don’t need (or want) the government to bail me out.  I can work.  I can budget.  I’ve got Dave Ramsey as a coach.

I got myself into this mess, and now I’ve got God helping me get out.  I’m pretty sure we can handle it.

But I digress…

In the midst of this cleaning frenzy, I came across some fun memorabilia – trinkets of the past, if you will – including (but not limited to):

• A photo taken of me & Jel the week I moved from Alaska – good times
• A coffee mug with the words “Safety First” from my trip to Thailand
• My last handwritten notebook journal and
• A bunch of “mix CDs” (which were post-mix tapes from high school, but pre-iPods & playlists).

Because music is a great thing to have on when you’re cleaning, or doing anything that keeps you from focusing on something steady like a TV screen, I popped in the CDs I’d found and let them play themselves silly.  I had no idea what was on them (I wasn’t much for labeling back in the late-90’s and early 2000’s when they were apparently made) and so I likewise had no idea what a ride I was in for.

I never cease to be amazed by the power that music has to evoke memories. Like smells, music can put me back in time and space to a particular place in an instant. As the CDs worked their way from beginning to end, I found myself completely transported – barely aware of the furniture, books, and boxes I was surrounded by.  I was at the mercy of the tunes.  The music had taken over.

Suddenly, I was…

• In the car with my sister (Jo) at Great Adventure in the safari, the giant head of a giraffe poking through the sunroof (Rusted Root – Send Me On My Way)
• Dancing in the snow with Jel at Beluga Point in the middle of the night (Depeche Mode – Personal Jesus)
• Working out at Dragon’s gym in Leamington Spa when I lived in the UK (Robbie Williams – Let Love Be Your Energy)
• Sailing through the Greek Isles in July 2001 (U2 – Beautiful Day)
• Camping with my sister outside of Denali National Park (Counting Crows – Round Here)
• Driving through Anchorage in the snow my first winter there (REM – Leave)
• In the beach bar on Relax Bay in Thailand (Dido – Here With Me)
• Hanging with my friends at the Willow Grove Mall in Junior High (Def Leppard – Pour Some Sugar On Me)
• Running around the reservoir with Jennifer in Central Park (U2 – Veritgo)
• Rockin’ out with Kristy in the car while driving around really cool places like Quakertown, Pennsburg, and East Greenville, PA (EMF – Unbelievable)
• Watching TV n the UK with Kristin when she came to visit (Element 4 – Big Brother Theme)
• Doin’ the dance with Jel in the car or at The Last Frontier…and most recently at her house in Edmonds (Will Smith – Men In Black)
• Seeing U2 in concert with Es in the post-9/11 “Elevation” tour (U2 – Elevation)
• On the Youth Group retreat up at Kutztown University, summer of 1989 (Cheap Trick – The Flame)
• Sailing in Thailand (Coldplay – Clocks)
• Seeing REM live from the front “row” in Seattle during the Bumbershoot Music Festival with Jel in 1999 (REM – Lotus)
• Hanging out in Memphis with Es (Live – Selling the Drama)
• On the Amtrak ride from Philly to Seattle when I moved up to Alaska in 1996 (REM – How The West Was Won & Where It Got Us)

I could go on and on and on.

In looking at that list, I can’t help but wonder where on earth the time goes.  Seriously – it just flies.  But that aside, I know that no matter what, I need to hang onto these CDs (or at least the playlists) so that when I’m old and gray and sitting in a retirement home somewhere, all I’ll need to do to relive the best moments of my life will be to play through one of these bad boys.  Pop in a CD (or put on a playlist) and my mind will be off and running.

Of course I’ve got a lot of years left and since I’m still collecting memories this way, I figure I’m going to have some crazy long-ass playlists by then…

Hopefully the technology will be able to keep up.

In case you’re interested, here is an interesting article I found which discusses music’s other superhero-like capabilities: http://www.livescience.com/health/081015-music-power.html

Apparently in addition to provoking memories, it can ease pain, influence mood, boost immunity, overcome fatigue, increase intelligence, reduce stress, anxiety, and depression…to name a few.  I don’t know if I can think of anything non-drug or alcohol-related that can claim all of that.

So what’s everyone waiting for?  Pump up the jam!

Through work and on my own, I’ve been through multiple classes (including Myers-Briggs, DISC, and some others) and find that it helps me to understand other people as well as myself.

For those who may not be as familiar, ENFP (“The Inspirer”) actually stands for Extroverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving. In essence, ENFPs are all over the map. Our interests are many and varied which I think helps us in being able to relate well to others because chances are there’s going to be some interest we have in common.

I think being a “people-person” predisposes me to interest in personality types and what they mean. Some shy away from personality tests because they prefer not to be “labeled” and that they’ve seen too many people use their personality types as an excuse for poor behavior.

Personally, I don’t find these to be valid reasons for personality test abstinence. A so-called “label” is whatever you make of it – just like stereotypes. For example, I’m blonde and while that may indeed subject me to some ridiculous stereotyping (”Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?”), I’m not about to run out and dye my hair because of them. I also think that if someone is prone to making excuses for poor behavior, they’re not going to stop just because one of their excuses was taken away – they’ll just go out and find another one. But whatever.

I have been an ENFP my entire life…at least I suspect as much. I took my first Myers-Briggs test when I was about 12 as a result of my grandfather who used to insist that anyone entering the family take the test to see how their personality differed from their soon-to-be spouse (I think everyone came up as exact opposites which made me wonder if they hadn’t, would my grandfather have refused to let them marry?) Anyway, I came out an ENFP. I took the test again at 18, 22, 25, and 30. Each test still showed me as an ENFP, although I watched the scores for each letter grow over time so that rather than slowly becoming more “balanced” between each type indicator as some do, I actually became a stronger ENFP. Today I am a more-or-less textbook case – perhaps I should be studied.

Some of what you can learn about yourself can have you feeling pretty good (e.g. ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential.*) Other things you get to learn about are your weaknesses (e.g. ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.*) Hm. Something to work on.

One thing I’ve learned is that, unlike most Extroverted types, my specific combination needs some alone time. This was a relief to discover this after recognizing my desire to sometimes say “no” to going out with people which I thought was supposedly contrary to how extroverts in general behaved. I have also found on vacations that my limit for spending non-stop time with others is roughly 9 days. For instance, on my Thailand sailing trip with 14 other people on 2 relatively small boats, I got up 9 days into the trip, grabbed my iPod, and sat on the bow of the boat for several hours alone that morning without speaking to anyone. I needed that time to get myself recharged and centered – it felt great.

However, I think that results from things like Myers-Briggs or DISC are pretty useless if you aren’t given the direction or tools to know what to do with the information once you have it. At Merrill Lynch, they employed psychologists who conducted team-building workshops which were great. There are other tools and coaches out there who use them to help you discern what career path (or new career) might be a good fit. This is one of the things I’ve used it for – to help give me ideas about where I might want to focus my attentions in the future.

Should I go back to school and become a brain surgeon, or should I consider getting a job at SeaWorld feeding the dolphins?  Perhaps I’ve missed my calling as a professional glassblower, or maybe I should go back to being a waitress.  Maybe I would really blossom in the paint-color naming department of Sherwin Williams, or do I stick with my current role as a Project Manager for the rest of my working life?

I actually think I will always be a project manager whether in my current capacity or not.  Life is full of “projects” (a.k.a. things we have to complete from start to finish) and since ENFPs get bored easily and therefore are generally not good at follow-through, being a project manager now I’m finding is a great help in training myself to finish something I start. That’s great, but the question still remains – What is around the next bend on my Yellow Brick Career Path?  If only I had a periscope to see.

So anyone else want to share their 4-letter code?  No stereotypes – I promise.

* All quotes referencing the ENFP MBTI® personality type are taken from the BSM Consulting website (http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html)

Okay, first and foremost, I want it to be clear that I did NOT go to see this film because it was some sort of Christian movie.  In fact, I had no idea that it was until after it started, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Around 10 o’clock this morning, I got a call from my grandmother asking me if I’d like to go to the movies with her.  She said she never goes anymore, and that there was some new film out she wanted to see called Fireproof .  I agreed, of course (who among us could say “no” to their grandmother?) and looked up the times for the nearest theater on Fandango and we decided to catch an afternoon showing.

As for the film, Fandango didn’t have much to say about it, and I knew nothing.  Being a Dave Ramsey budgeter, I hardly ever go out to the movies anymore and then being a Tivo owner, I no longer watch commercials so had not seen any trailers.  So in essence, I was a totally blank slate going into this with no preconceived ideas or expectations of any kind.

The story centers around a firefighter named Caleb Holt (Kirk Cameron) and his wife, Catherine (Erin Bethea), whose marriage is on full-speed towards a divorce until Caleb’s father challenges him to hold-off on proceedings while he completes a 40-day “love dare.”  Caleb reluctantly agrees, but finds it increasingly difficult as his wife appears to slip further away as a doctor at the hospital where she works begins to vie for her affections.  Caleb presses on, however, encouraged by his father and a fellow firefighter and eventually the story meets its inevitable happy ending.  The film is supported by some good comic relief in parts, and a decent score as well.

My first thought was that the people on screen (with the exception of Kirk Cameron) really couldn’t act very well.  Then I started to see the major Christian references and quickly picked up on what kind of movie this was.  Suddenly my grandmother’s interest in this film made a lot more sense.

Great, I thought, I’ve just unknowingly signed up to watch some sort of weird, cheesy, God-flick.  Flashbacks of elementary school visits to “The Christian Cinema” in Ambler flooded over me coupled with the time I rented Left Behind (admittedly not one of my better movie choices).  I sighed inwardly and decided to just relax and see if I can’t at least enjoy some aspect of it.  At the very least, it would be kinda fun to see one of my favorite junior high crushes on the big screen for the first time since LIke Father, Like Son in 1987.

To my near-complete surprise, I found myself enjoying the film.  The acting which at first seemed contrived, actually got better as the movie progressed…or I just stopped noticing that it was poor (which is probably more likely).  I liked the characters with the exception of the doctor (whose only real contribution seemed to be that of the worst acting overall) but really found myself hoping for the happy ending.

Acting aside, my main criticism of the movie would be that it went on long after what I would have thought to be the natural end.  I understand what they were trying to communicate in that excess time, but really feel it was unnecessary.  The writers could’ve given the audience a little more credit to infer the rest themselves.

My other criticism isn’t so much specific to this movie in particular, but to these so-called “religious message” films as a whole.  I appreciate whole-heartedly what they are trying to accomplish – and indeed I would love to incorporate “The Love Dare” as part of my marriage (should I ever have one someday) but I just don’t understand why Christians feel the need to be so insanely blatant in their storytelling that they end up painting themselves into a niche corner and risk potentially turning off those they most are attempting to reach.

I’m not saying that as Christians we shouldn’t be upfront about Jesus and our faith in Him.  Not at all.  But I think that if people feel like they’re being preached to when they haven’t gone voluntarily into a church, we may not really have the impact we’re trying to.  However, if we were to just put down the Bible-shaped bat some use to beat the world over the head with and instead just show others Jesus by loving them right where they are, the results just might be surprising.

I don’t want to be too hard on Fireproof – I basically really liked it…it’s a sweet love story and I would recommended it for anyone who is in a relationship, ever has been in a relationship, or ever thinks that they may one day be in a relationship.  All I’m saying is that I think it may have drawn in a wider audience if they had spent a little more energy on character development and let the story of love, humility, sacrifice, service, forgiveness, and redemption speak for itself.  All of these things are amazingly attractive even without being framed within a full-out alter call because they are all attributes and side-effects of knowing and loving our God.  If we show the world these in our everyday lives – from the way we treat each other to the way we approach difficult situations – then we’re showing the world Jesus whether they recognize it or not, and then watch them come looking for more.

But maybe that’s just me, so take it with a grain of salt (or pepper, if you prefer), but Christian or not, I still would say go see this movie.  The story really does stand on its own; and the underlying message of love being a choice backed-up (and at times made possible) through action rather than simply feelings-based is a strong, solid one worth the time and money.

Just for fun, I’ll leave you with a link to what the New York TImes reviewer had to say about it – always good to get that objective third-partier’s 2 cents…

FIreproof: Putting Out Housefires, Reigniting Passions by Neil Genzlinger

Some of my control freak tendencies as a younger me stemmed from trying to figure out how to survive in the “real world”.  Prior to leaving my parents house, there wasn’t much I had to worry about, so I think I had more time and energy to spend being controlling about stupid things in life like the organization of my CDs.

Once I got out on my own, suddenly there were more real concerns…and these were concerns I had to face not as part of a newly married couple (as so many of my friends were), but as a single 22-year-old with no clue.  I was plagued with questions like: How do I get my utilities turned on for my new apartment?  Where’s the nearest laundromat?  What do you cook with when you have no money to buy pots & pans?  Can the human body truly subsist on mac & cheese alone?

Initially, I was also still concerned with the mundane issues like having my CDs in alphabetical order by artist, but the more busy I got with attending to the bigger picture, the more those cares and tendencies towards trying to control the little things slip away.  Today, my CDs are still more-or-less arranged by artist, but are not alphabetical and are spread across at least 5 different locations in my home so if you’re looking for a particular CD, good luck because unless it’s U2, I probably can’t tell you where it is.

I think if I were a true Type-A individual (which, as we all know is just a nice way of saying “control freak”), something like coming over and messing with my kitchen drawers or cabinets, would totally rock my world.  However, I can say with a pretty high degree of confidence that you could go ahead and do this and I wouldn’t really care.  This is not to say that I don’t try to keep my kitchen organized – I do, but not because I feel the need to be in control of my kitchen.  Rather, I just think it’s easier when all the pots, plates, glasses, and bowls are with more of their own kind.  Call me crazy, but I like not having to hunt for lids to my Tupperware. I’m also somewhat limited in cabinet space, so things have to remain somewhat organized or else it wouldn’t all fit.  Actually, the more I write about this, the more I realize that my kitchen may not really be the best illustration.

Let’s try the pantry instead.

My pantry is a crazy, assorted array of dry food and spices.  There is pasta, cans of soup, cereal, boxes of 100 Calorie packs, pudding, taco seasoning packets, and God-knows-what-else. The only things remotely organized about it are that the spices are all together on a rack and I think that the cereal is more or less on the same shelf.  That’s it.  My pantry is definitely NOT the pantry of a control freak.  Monica Geller would probably need to be hospitalized if she saw it.  My pantry is more representative of my approach to life than any other part of my house:  As long as I can find things and nothing is in danger of falling off the shelf, I’m good.

The problem with this approach to life is that it may work for my pantry, but doesn’t really fly when you’re trying to do things like a budget.  Until I started the Dave Ramsey plan in February, I’d go literally years without balancing my checkbook.  My sister would say she couldn’t understand how I could NOT balance my checkbook and I would try to explain to her how it was just one of those things I found tiresome and tedious and really not all that important.  I realize now that, while still tiresome and tedious, the balancing of the checkbook is actually very important.  Essential even.  Being on a budget and along the path to becoming debt free has forced me into a behavior pattern that does not come naturally to me – surprisingly I’m pretty good at it, but that doesn’t make it easy.  Needless to say, this has been a difficult albeit necessary shift for me.

Dave Ramsey calls people like me a “Free Spirit” (read: non-control freak) which is essentially the antithesis of what he calls a “Nerd” (read: control freak).  Marriages, he says, are generally made up with one of each.  As a Free Spirit single, having to take on Nerd activities is a real challenge for sure, but where I’m finding myself struggle the most these days is in keeping up my motivation. 9-months into my debt-free path, my interest is waning.  It was easy enough when I first started out and kicked some major debt-ass with my year-end bonus and tax refund, but the day-to-day grind is what’s bringing me down.  My monthly committee meetings with my budget accountability partner (Shanna) is a great help.  She gives me some much needed “Atta-girls” and reminds me to look at how far I’ve come since the starting point, not get caught up in how far away the finish line feels (”Are we there yet, Papa Smurf?”)

So Shanna helps.  Reading through old posts from when I first started my budget also helps.  But what I’m really getting excited about is what the next few months hold.  There are some things coming up which I feel will give me a much-needed ‘Matt Foley‘ motivational speech…and not a moment too soon.

First is a one-day seminar on Personal Finance we’re holding at The Well in November followed by a full run of Financial Peace University which we’re starting in February 2009.  In general I find there is nothing like feeding off the inspiration that comes from being surrounded by others on the same journey…

Additionally I know that as I get more involved in this area, I will be able to help encourage and support others which I think is the best form of motivation there is…  Well, that and not waiting to end up living in a van down by the river.

Today I’d like to share a guest post from Deb. Deb lives in the Philadelphia suburbs, blogs at The Writer Bee and is part of The Well community. At the bottom of the post, I’ve linked to a few of my favorite posts she has shared on her blog. I hope you enjoy this as much as I have… Read the rest of this entry.