“When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” – Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City
Okay, so I wanted to do a little…well…talking, I suppose. And I didn’t want to put it out on the blog without a password because I’m not entirely sure that the guy I’m talking about hasn’t discovered this blog yet. My plan originally was not to tell him about it, but alas I sent an email that had a link to it at the bottom (oops) and so I’m not certain that he didn’t see it and click on it thereby rendering all things posted as potentially unsafe.
[UPDATE: Since we are now several months past this whole event, I have removed the password and changed the names to protect the innocent so I feel there's no longer any danger in making this visible to the world.]
I should probably begin by explaining how, around my birthday I had a moment of pure optimism and rejoined eHarmony for the first time in over 2 years. I’m sure I just made Cbo’s head explode or at the very least, her skin crawl with that statement. Honestly, I can’t say that I disagree with either of those responses. In fact the first couple of days, the only matches I received were balding men in their late-40’s who looked for the most part like they either had a bunch of bodies hidden in the freezer, still live at home with mom & dad, or some combination of both. However, now 3 weeks later, there have been a few thrown across my match page which actually managed to catch my attention.
Only two of them have I actually gotten all the way to emailing with so far. One of them is 2 months out of a 4 year relationship and while I know that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not ready for another one, he did bring up his ex twice in the first phone conversation we had prompting me to ask how long the relationship had been over for. That doesn’t bode well and I can’t ignore the little robot inside me screaming “Danger, Will Robinson!” while waving red flags.
The other one of the two is who really intrigued me.
For the sake of privacy, I’ll just call him H. H is 39, lives in Massachusetts, and has lived a very VERY interesting existence up to this point. In our conversation last night (which lasted over 2 hours) I found myself shocked that this guy was still single. He doesn’t seem to be emotionally stunted. Nor does he appear to be socially inept. He doesn’t spend his weekends LARPing. He’s not a closet serial killer, and he assured me that he’s not gay (although I’m not sure why he felt the need to assure me of that) and has never before been married.
But…I can’t help think there’s got to be SOMETHING. Something about this guy has got to be off… He’s good-looking (or at least that’s what I pick up from his photos and just some other in-between-the-lines indicators), he’s got a family he loves, he’s insanely upfront and open, and by all counts appears to be just one of those “good guys” you always read about. So…where’s that other shoe that surely about to drop right on my head? I have no idea…at least not yet.
Now I’m not typically this skeptical… In fact, more often than not, I’m the glass-is-half-full girl, however in the realm of dating (ESPECIALLY online dating), I tend towards being cautious. I can’t help it. I think anyone would who’s been burned as often as I have would be. I’ve actually lost count of how many guys I’ve had great phone conversations with, but who turned out to be total duds in person. I also have had others seem as great in person as they were on the phone only to never be heard from again after our meet-and-greet. One even was amazing on email, practically proposing to me on the phone, but then when it came time to meet up in person, he completely freaked out and couldn’t go through with it. Still others were not even interested enough to venture into a phone conversation.
That’s just a taste of my experiences in this arena – can you blame me therefore if I look at these new guys a little sideways? The wounds are no longer raw from these other idiots in my past, but the scars are still there.
H’s story, as best I can summarize, is that he’s spent the majority of his life living and/or traveling all over the world (sound like anyone you know?) He was in the Air Force working as a photojournalist. About a year or so ago he was struck by a drunk driver and suffered a near-broken back. The last year he’s spent in physical therapy getting back to himself. He was unfortunately forced to give up his job since he couldn’t lift a can of coke let alone a camera bag, and so he ended up taking a job with a company in Mass. which focuses on technology program management (which sounds very similar to what I do with project management).
From what else I can gather, he’s smart, very articulate, extremely trusting, and doesn’t appear to have any unabomber tendencies. Even though I don’t see any glaring red flags as yet, I think there is a potential yellow or orange one. One of the questions he posed to me before we got into the whole open-emailing phase was centered around how I felt about opposite gender close friends. We discussed this a little further last night since I had a hard time answering that question with the multiple choice selection, and I was sure there must be some driving force behind him asking it in the first place. Turns out one of his best friends is a woman. We didn’t discuss at length since it’s nothing I felt needed to be talked over in an initial phone conversation. Neither would I care unless we became seriously involved. Essentially I feel that if I were to end up in a serious relationship/marriage with any guy, I would expect that the most intimate relationship in my and his life would be ours. I would think it strange if I got married and my best friend continued to be some guy I knew that wasn’t my husband…and I would hope my husband would think that would be strange as well! Call me crazy, but I’ve seen relationships torn apart over less. I’m not saying it would be an issue, but just that it could be. However, it’s also not something I’m particularly concerned with right now – just one more reason for caution.
So that’s all the news…at least for now. Looks like I may actually get to meet him as early as May. I was going up to Boston anyway to hang w/S and the girls over that weekend so H might come and take me out for dinner. I’ll be sure to keep you guys posted.
Oh the post title? Yeah, that was just a reminder to myself to remain cautious, but not be timid. Cross the road, just make sure you look both ways.
XOXO
I have five friend’s that met their husbands on eharmony. Tread lightly, listen to your gut and most importantly, have fun!!! Don’t think too much. Don’t analyze it away. Relish in his humor, wit, experience and maturity, those guys are hard to find.
I think it’s totally fine if his best friend is a girl RIGHT NOW. If you start dating and get serious, then I have a major problem with it. Sorry to the whole world that thinks men and women can be serious friends while maintaining a separate relationship, but I don’t agree – I’ve been there and it doesn’t work. I don’t care if she is a lesbian or not. So that’s my thought on that – but I think a lot of bridges would have to be crossed before you, as the datee would take priority over the BFF….so you sort of have to delve into the theoretical which is always a bit dangerous when just going out for a light hearted dinner date……I sort of think it’s like a topic that is too early to get v. serious about when you are just possibly meeting…..you know? Clearly, since you will be staying with me, we can discuss the breezy carefree nature and tone that you might strike should this tricky little topic come up, later.
I totally agree with Es about the best friend being a girl, but not if you were seriously dating. But, there is obviously time before that’s a central issue. He does sound like the best intellectual/interest match thus far, esp. since he’s a traveller and did photojournalism as a job. Very cool. I’ll be interested to hear more!